


Floodlights

by aiienharry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad mum Anne, Bottom Harry, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Sad Harry, Sad Louis, Smut, everyone is hurting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-12 02:42:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11727828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aiienharry/pseuds/aiienharry
Summary: And now rain is pouring in, the drain is clogged, they are yelling at each other with mouths full of water and they are choking and it hurts but they are too far gone, the water is now above their heads. They are drowning.OrLouis and Harry are drowning in each other and they don't want to get help





	Floodlights

Louis sighed for the hundredth time, Harry thinks looking at the stack of bills.

Harry does the same afterwards but he knows it's not the same as Louis's tired sighs and worried lines because he doesn't handle their finances, but he's still tired and worried just like his boyfriend. He fidgets slightly twiddling his thumbs looking at the dining room table, papers everywhere stacked, sorted, and just thrown around collecting dust the more noticeable ones such as bills from a car dealership, letters about their university loans that only one of them got their bachelor's degree at. Crumbled up notices from the landlord about getting evicted soon if they don't pay up, letters and calls about the internet getting shut off soon that neither of them really care about but both know that internet is the only way to distract them from what’s happening around them.

Louis sighs again and Harry does the same. "So..." Louis pauses for a considerate amount of time, and he never finishes his thought but he stares at Harry with a sad look in his eyes that mirror Harry's, a look that should be replaced with happiness. A look that's been their since the first bill was due and they didn't know if they could pay it off.

Harry stares back before muttering, "Maybe we could like," He pauses too, "I think the smart thing to do is to pay the landlord first and then…see what's next important." And Harry knows Louis knows this as well but maybe it's better to say things aloud so that they can be set in stone, then just staring at each other with misery in their eyes and words that neither of them know how to say that sits on the tips of their tongues waiting.

Louis nods and grabs a new envelope making it out to the landlord, writing a small apology and puts the correct amount of money inside with a wince. He puts their address and flat number before doing the same for the landlord's house, the man doesn’t even live in the flats he rents. Louis hands the letter to Harry and he puts a stamp on top before licking it close. He sets it on the counter for mailing later and sits back down, Louis looks at him, "So what's next love?" Harry shrugs and picks up the letter about their car note.

They go on like this for some time until all they have left is a fifty pound note and twenty quid. Louis stands and Harry follows but stays behind and cleans up the mess, shoving piles of paper and envelopes into random plastic grocery bags, as Louis goes to sit down on the old beat up couch. They are both tired and hungry but they don't say anything already knowing what the other is feeling. When Harry's done cleaning up he sits next to Louis with his knees drawn to his chest as he wraps his arms around them, Louis's staring off into space. With a cigarette lit in his mouth an unreadable look on his face, and Harry knows he is in deep thought but he's fucking hungry and he knows Louis is too because his stomach is making more sounds than his but he looks unfazed by it. Louis has always said that he'd do anything before he let them starve, before he would ever let Harry knows what it's like to be running on an empty stomach. He always thinks about Harry before himself Harry notes, never letting Harry go cold, never letting Harry go hungry, never letting Harry live out on the streets begging. Harry knows Louis would rather rob a bank then let Harry go without anything, and Harry thinks would do the same for Louis.

"Wanna go grocery shopping real quick babe?" Louis asks, as he puts the cigarette out and into the ashtray. Harry nods soon after with a smile. They get ready in silence working around each other, afraid if they touch everything around them will crumb, but the thing is the walls that they have built around themselves to keep people out already has a million cracks with weeds growing through and rain seeping through small holes ready to flood and flush them out, it's dark inside, too dark and they both want out but they don't know how to ask for help. Never really knew how to ask for help from those around them that loved them to pieces, their pride getting in the way like it always does. Not even going to the other and asking for help.

The only time they touch is when they fuck, don't even call it making love anymore like Harry likes to call it because Louis fucks him into the mattress and then they cuddle but it's silent like it always is nowadays, Harry's head laying on Louis's chest Louis playing with his hair staring off into space like he always does nowadays cigarette in hand feeling the air with smoke that Harry can’t stand.

 

—

 

They return home quickly with 4 brown bags barley filled with anything but they have the essentials never any luxior items these days. They work together to put everything away, Harry quickly makes them sausages, eggs, and toast for dinner. And it's still fucking silent in this too fucking small flat and Louis isn't laughing like he usually is and Harry isn't almost burning down the building because he isn't laughing at Louis's jokes and it's so fucking sad nowadays so fucking depressing Harry think's and he just wants to be fucking happy again because this isn't happiness anymore. They are both fucking drowning next to each other with mouths wide open, because they would rather let the freezing cold water take their breath away then say what they are really feeling. Harry sets Louis's plate in front of him and it takes him a while to eat because he's smoking again, always going through a half a pack a day.

And they eat in fucking silence.

And when they fuck that night in uncomfortable silence. Louis prepping Harry slow but still fast at the same time, if that's even possible. And Harry is a withering mess, twitching, and moaning under Louis who watches like a predator watches their, prey ready to pounce at any giving moment.

They fuck slow this time per Harry's request and fuck does it feel good. They are moaning and groaning and even though they both have work in the morning it's worth it, worth the marks that are going to be left on Harry's waist because he's on all fours like he likes it, loves it because of how primal it feels.

Louis's holding on so tightly and Harry clenches down and they both come, each others name barely heard by the other but it's heard and god does it feel so fucking good. "LouisLouisLouis." Harry moans because Louis keeps going hips stuttering before he pulls out with a groan falling to the side and pulling Harry with him. They cuddle and Louis play with Harry's hair and it's back to the way it was. Harry falls asleep first while Louis stares off into space lighting another cigarette.

 

—

 

Harry wakes up alone, Louis already off to work. He gets up slowly backside hurting but he has no time to dwell on it and quickly get's ready for work at his first job at Mickey's Diner that's been going down the shitter for some time now but it's a job and money is money.

Louis's taken the car so Harry walks the few blocks to work and gets there early. It's of course a slow day and Harry spends majority of his time playing on his cracked phone and checking on his three tables. He watches as the other waiter chats with a customer and Harry knows he'd get better tips if he socialized with more people but on days like this he couldn't bring himself to care, even if it’s selfish. Harry put a fake smile on his face and checks on his tables and pours coffee for the people at the counter and takes orders from people at the counter and plays on his phone and he does the same routine until his shift is over for the day. He gets off late in the afternoon so he just goes home with barely any money in his pockets, and when he gets there he just waits for Louis like he always does. He’s hungry but he thinks it’s selfish to eat when Louis isn’t home. Thinks it’s self to do a lot of things without Louis these days.

He sits around for a while leaving his money on the table for Louis to round up for when the next day of paying bills comes around. Harry eyes Louis's cigarette box, takes one for sometime, he picks it up and lights him one. He smokes it slowly taking his time like Louis does eyes closed and head drawn back, he’s cold but the cigarette warms him up better than any blanket could. When he finishes his first one he starts another just to keep himself warm. He’s content relaxed, maybe even happy he thinks.

He stands up startled as the door slams shut Louis eyes rooming his body as he stands there, anger in his eye. Harry quickly puts the cigarette out in the ashtray next to him, waiting for Louis to say something. “Why…why are you smoking Harry?” Louis asks, Harry notes that he smells like cigarette smoke too.

Harry shrugs like he always does because he doesn’t want to fight right now, doesn’t have enough strength to fight with Louis right now. “S’not the big of a deal Louis,” he says because he really doesn’t feel like fucking fighting with Louis.

“What do you mean s’not a big deal it’s a pretty fucking big deal.” And Louis doesn’t care because when he wants to start a fight he starts a fight.

“Louis please not right now please.” And Harry’s pleading, begging Louis to just drop it because starting an argument over one and a half cigarette isn’t worth it.

Louis doesn’t care, “That shits toxic for you Harry don’t you know that!” And now he’s yelling.

“You fucking smoke all the time Louis! Your being a hypocrite an-”

Louis is seething and Harry is tired and the room feels too small and their walls are crumbling and Harry is just so fucking tired. Harry lets Louis yell at him because like he’s said before it isn’t worth it but Louis says something hurtful and now Harry is tired and hurt and a wrecking ball has crashed into one of the corner of the four crumbling walls. And now rain is pouring in, the drain is clogged, they are yelling at each other with mouths full of water and they are choking and it hurts but they are too far gone, the water is now above their heads. They are drowning.

“Don’t you dare say that to me Louis! I work just as fucking hard as you!” Harry’s screaming clawing at Louis under the water.

Louis scoffs throat burning, “You're a university dropout Harry! Maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation if you had a degree and could get a real job!” Louis's screaming right back, the water turning hot burning them both.

Harry has tears in his eyes because he’s always been sensitive and the neighbors to the right of them are yelling at them to shut up and he’s yelling at Louis to just shut the fuck up but he still won’t listen.

“All you fucking do is look at me like I’m suppose to solve all the answers, like I know all the fucking answers to everything! You just sit ther-”

“Please stop.” Harry feels like he’s suffocating, like’s he’s actually drowning in this too small room. There's a lump in his throat that won’t go away no matter how many times he tries to swallow it. Louis's face grows redder and redder as Harry watches him yell. Harry closes his eyes for a second, only for a second.

Louis gets in his face, “You just fucking sit there acting like your fucking sad and depressed and and that the worlds let you down! I'm the one who's been let down! You think I wanted us to live in this shit of a flat! I work so fucking hard to get us out of this, to get you out of this. What do you do?”

Harry starts walking away from Louis, snot running down over his mouth, tears pouring out of his eyes. “Grow the fuck up Louis!”

Louis hot on his trail, follows him into the bedroom, “I need to grow up? Are you fucking serious!” Harry can’t take this anymore the rooms filled with water he can’t escape no matter how much he tries to swim away, Louis keeps pulling him back to the deep depths of their cracked walls and weed infested room.

“I never knew you were this fucking self-centered Louis. I work two jobs to support us Louis! I have every right to come home and smoke my life away if I fucking want to! You think I want this shit Louis, that I wanted to live in a shitty flat in London so you can follow your dreams!” And Harry’s just getting started because Louis is being inconsiderate and because Harry’s hurting just like Louis’s hurting and maybe it’s not the same pain as Louis's pain he’s still hurting. “I have dreams too, but I pushed them aside for you I buried them deep inside myself because I love you! Can’t you see that I fucking love you Louis! Don’t you love me?” Louis is silent and Harry’s never been more devastated in his life than in this moment. “L-Louis?” He reaches out to the boy whose eyes are wild with something Harry can’t understand, won’t bring himself to understand. And when he goes to touch him, Louis steps back fast likes he’s been burnt. Harry cries more, harder when Louis leaves out the front door.

It’s their biggest fight they’ve ever had and Louis's just left him and he’s crying pathetically in their home that never really truly felt like a home. A place that never felt like it belonged to them. There are no pictures on the wall like Harry envisioned their first place would have, no exposed brick or nice ceiling to floor windows like he’s always seen on television. Like he’s always wanted because he’s never had a real home. His family has always moved around, because his mum always got too restless when she was in a place for too long, at least that’s what she’d tell them, but Harry’s always known they were drifters. Always knew that living in a car for a year while he finished up primary school wasn’t just him mum being restless and looking for new scenery, but he’s never told her that.

So when Harry met Louis in college and they got together he begged his mum to let them stay for just a little longer, pleaded with her for them to be normal for once and stop moving around. Because Louis became Harry’s home, always was and always will be. And Harry knew that was asking a lot of Louis, the pressure to be a good home for Harry while trying to be enough for everyone else, and then being enough for himself. Because Louis has always been a giver, always tried to give Harry everything he’s ever wanted, got Harry a flat in London because he knew they could follow their dream here, but Louis can be selfish as well. Louis can come home and start a fight because he wanted to feel something, he wanted Harry to feel what he felt everyday, and Harry knew that. Harry also knows that he can be selfish too.

They are both selfish people whose walls are so thick and cracked with gaping holes everywhere, they both try and fill it up with useless things, and random crap so that the cracks aren’t so big anymore, so that they can pretend that they are happy and in love, but water seeps in from everywhere and now they are both drowning when they should be dry and happy. Should be above the water floating safe and sound.

Louis doesn’t come back and Harry is worried. He waits up for him until the crack of dawn, until he has to go to his second job and he can’t wait any longer. And when he get’s home he knows Louis been here while he’s out, can still feel his presence as he goes and unwinds in bed alone.

He dreams of open fields and Louis cheap cologne that smells horrid but Harry never tells him because Louis loves the smell of it, says it reminds him of his grandfather. Harry laughs at him and they run around for a bit, and Harry asks dream Louis if he loves him and without hesitation he says yes. Harry wakes up cold and still alone. He stays in bed a little longer, gasps when he sees a shadow in the kitchen moving around. Harry quickly sits up and get’s out of bed making sure he doesn’t make any noise as he walks towards the door. He walks pass the living room and steadily walks towards the kitchen on unsteady feet watching Louis's shadow walk around.

He takes a deep breathe and steps inside the kitchen to see Louis pacing with a McDonald’s bag sitting on the counter. Louis stops when he sees Harry and quickly scoops him up in his arms, wrapping his arms around his waist. And Harry’s never fully noticed how tired Louis looked before now, never fully noticed the bags under his eyes that mirrored his own, a sullen look on his face, and bloodshot red eyes.

They are silent for sometime until Harry’s stomach makes a gurgling sound and Louis pulls away a little, but stares at him with sincere in his eyes as he says, “I love you more than any fucking thing in this world Harry.” Louis pecks him on the lips a few times making Harry giggle. “That s’what I like to hear.” Harry giggles some more before Louis pulls away fully and grabs the bag, handing Harry his food and they end up eating in silence. This time it’s nice and familiar like it’s always supposed to be, but Harry knows that this doesn’t fix everything, knows that bringing him food doesn’t erase the hurtful things that they have said to each other. Knows that their are too many cracks that have been made and that can’t be ignored anymore. Knows that things need to change fast, but he stays silent and enjoys his time with Louis eating McDonald's at one in the morning. Harry hopes that for right now it’s enough to keep them afloat.

 

—

 

They never really make up that day, never really say sorry for their hurtful words, and they never really bring that day up again as they they move forward. And they never really get better after the stupid fight and their arguments get even more heated as they start throwing around insult after insult at each other. Sometimes Harry threatens to leave Louis for good and go stay at his mother's house, and Louis yells that he has no home and Harry cries and Louis leaves and comes back with various fast foods then fuck afterwards. It’s their new normal for a while and their tired again and the water is spilling out over the side’s of the tiny solid cracked box but they don’t anything to stop it.

They skate around each other pretending that the other isn’t there before they start another arguments, going days without speaking before everything builds up and they can’t take it anymore so they explode on each other.

And when they are just there, in the room together silence weighing upon them like death hangs in the air, the death of them hangs so low Harry can feel it’s presence. And if he’s being honestly they’ve come to terms with it and it’s the most peaceful they are to each other.

They spent the rest of winter stuck in the same toxic routine, Harry loses his job at the dinner and it of course takes him awhile to get another second job and they of course fight over that. And when Louis leaves this time Harry thinks about changing the locks but decides against it when he’s standing in the hardware store cold and always tired. He also thinks about going to see his mother but also decides against it because he hasn’t talked to her in so long. He always thought that things had to get worst before they got better but this is worst than worst could ever be. This is dangerous talk about changing the locks and running away and not coming home and drinking and smoking until the pain is too numb to feel.

In the Spring the fighting stops and they don’t talk at all. Harry thinks the silence is too unbearable but he would rather have this than yelling at Louis all the time and not having to cry and beg him to stay when he leaves.

Harry tells Louis he’s going to visit his mum and sister one day and before he leaves, he expected lots of yelling and cursing but Louis just tells him good luck. Harry’s not sure if he would have taken the yelling and the cursing over a good luck but atleast he said something to him. Harry packs a few pair of jeans, underwear, and some shirts into an old raggedy book bag. Louis watches silently as he packs, drinking a cup of tea that Harry hates but buys it for him anyway. When Harry’s done he sits his book bag on the floor by the door and looks at Louis. “Were fucked up Lou,”

“I know,” he says silently, “I know.”

“We’ve got to do something Louis because I’m not sure I want to come back if it’s going to be like this.” Harry runs a hand through his hair shaking it out, he grabs his american flag bandana he got for hi birthday last year and puts it on.

“I know,” Louis puts down his tea and crosses the room to where Harry is standing, he blows out a breath, “I want you to come home to me Haz.” Harry nods and smiles because this the first time they are talking to each other without having a screaming match that’s going to get them evicted sooner or later. He tells Louis this and he starts laughing and nodding, his smile still not genuine, eyes not crinkling up like they always do when he’s happy. He’s just not Louis anymore and Harry isn't Harry anymore and it’s their fault. There is no blame to put on someone because the blame is shared by them both.

“We’ve ruined each other Lou.” Louis nods, agreeing with him. “M’ taking a train to go see mum and Gems and…when I get back I want to work on us Louis because I fucking love you but I’m breaking Louis. I’m breaking and I’m just so fucking tired.”

“I’m so tired too Harry.” Louis goes in for a kiss and Harry turns away from him.

“Bye Louis,” He leaves him standing in front of the door and leaves the flat hurrying to catch his train. When he boards he decides to stay awake for the two hours and twenty minutes it’ll take to get to Manchester. During the train ride he obviously think about their relationship and if given the option to be a drifter again with his mum would he take it in a heartbeat. He thinks he wouldn’t, knows he would turn the offer down as soon as she’d ask because he know she’s going to ask. Is gonna say that the pain isn’t worth it and to leave with them and escape. Harry sighs.

And the thing is he’s a stupid fucking idiot. A stupid fucking idiot that didn’t call ahead to make sure that they were there to begin with. A stupid fucking idiot who cries when he get’s to the only home he’s ever stayed in for a considerate amount of time and sees a different family has taken residents there. A stupid fucking idiot indeed. He goes to a random motel he can afford for one night and angrily lets out his aggression on the motel room, throwing things around and taking the bedding of the bed throwing the pillows across the room, knocking the only chair in the room over and leaving it on it’s side. He takes the mattress and pushes it to the side as well, angry tired tears blurring his visions snot running down his mouth and he screams in agony because he’s hurt and angry and he’s a stupid fucking idiot who almost forgot that’s his mum is inconsiderate of everyone but herself. Forgets the time she left them with their grandmother for two years because the ocean was calling her name and she was getting too antsy and a boat was no place for children. Forget’s that his mother only came back because their grandma called the police on her, because she was too old to take care of them and it was either her or foster care. Forget’s that she was too young when she had them and that she always told them that she would never give up herself for her children no matter how much she loved them, she would always love herself more.

Harry falls asleep crying on the pile of blankets in the middle of the floor.

When he wakes up with tired red eyes too sore from crying he decides to go talk to the family that now lives in his old home. Another home that wasn’t really a home he thinks bitterly. He doesn’t get dressed in new clothes, think it’s useless and doesn’t care if he smells, he just wants answers. He leaves the motel and keeps his head down when he gives the keys back to the front desk with a sorry earning him a confused and disgusted look. He doesn’t bring himself to care and heads back to the small neighborhood. When he reaches the front of the house he rapidly knocks on the door not care that it’s eleven o’clock in the morning. He stops when an angry woman opens the door in nothing but a rob. “What the fuck are you doing? You know how fucking early it is?”

“I need to know about the woman who lived here last.” He says getting straight to the point.

She looks him up and down, “What the hell are you talkin’ about.” Her words are slurring as she yawns.

“She’s my mother and the girl you probably meet is my sister. Their names are Ann and Gemma,” He’s so ready to fucking cry and just bail because this pain isn’t fucking worth it, crying over a woman who never loved him isn’t worth it anymore.

“What do you want to know? Are you that Harry lad she was talking about?” She asks and he nods quickly. She looks him once over before telling him to wait here, “I’ve got something for you.”

He waits and waits and waits and thinks about leaving about five times before she appears again in the doorway, she goes to give him a letter and he immedialy snatches it away from her, angrily she tells him to fuck off and slams the door in his face but he could care less, as he opens it and reads it slowly only a few words written.

_Harry you know i’ve never been good at explaining things to people and I know you’re probably angry with us but you’ve got to admit Manchester is boring right love? We got restless again, me and Gemma, and we’ve decided to leave again without telling you ahead of time. Gemma said you would have turned us down anyway. I just wanted you to know that it’s time for you to leave us behind and live your life. I know it’s harsh to say but we’ve left you and know it’s time for you to leave us. We hope you and Louis are happy with each other because you deserve so much happiness, the happiness I couldn’t have given you and your sister. I’m sorry I couldn’t have been a better mum but I am your mum and this is me saying goodbye because you deserve a goodbye. Bye._

_-A and G_

Harry cries and cries and cries and he’s always been an easy crier but he doesn’t care. He folds the note, pockets it, and walks to the station crying like an idiot. He tries to call her number twice before realizing he’s just calling the house phone and that they don’t have cellphones. He’s numb and is sobbing on a train back to his shitty apartment in London and people are staring, but still he can’t bring himself to care. A right stupid fucking idiot he is. He bitterly laughs about it.

He calls Louis and he picks up on the second ring, “Hello love,” he knows Louis got that stupid pretty smile on his face, can tell from the way he’s talking. “How’s it going?” He gives a shaky sigh. “Oh fuck Haz have they left you? You know that’s proper fucked up that they didn’t tell you ahead of time like they always do. Had you go out all they way there just to screw you over and for what?”

“A letter,” Harry replies and it’s all he can muster to say.

“A fucking letter are you serious? They don’t fucking deserve to have someone like you Harry— fuck I don’t even deserve to have you. I’m so sorry H-” Harry lets Louis talk to him on the train ride home until his phone dies on him. He’s never wished for the silence to go away as he does now, misses Louis's voice more than anything right now. Could get really drunk off listening to the sweet sound of his voice but sadly he’s sober and everything feels too real and he feels too small in a world too big for him. He’s never missed Louis more in his life and when he leans his head on the window and closes his eyes he’s so fucking glad he never get’s restless. So fucking glad that he never ever fucking gets antsy and restless like they do, like his mum wanted him to get when staying in one place for too long. Glad he and Louis never became drifters. Glad Louis is his home and that he never get’s that anxious itch they get to go to places far and new, because the world is too big for them to stay in one place for too long. But they’ve always left and come back home, he guesses that home is an abstract concept for them to grasp.

He sighs out of relief.

 

—

 

When Harry opens the door to their flat during the afternoon he doesn’t expect to see the dining room table in the middle of the living room, with melting candles adorning the table and food placed on either side and Louis sitting down in one of the fucking chairs. He laughs but sits down anyway because Louis's in a fucking tux and he hasn’t seen him in one since he graduated university.

Harry bites his lip and looks down at the food, chicken with a side of mash, and corn. His mouth waters and he digs in saying a quick thank you to Louis. “It’s really good, Lou. Where did you buy it?” He smirks and looks at him.

“Actually I used one of your old cookbooks…smartass.” He replies and sticks his tongue out at him. They continue to eat throwing in a little banter here and there until they are done and the candles have gone out. “S’really nice to finally be pleasant with each other for once.” Harry can hear the sincerity in his voice and that youthful look in his eyes and his perfect crinkly eyed smile but the bags are still there and god Harry really loves the man, could never think about truly loving someone who wasn’t Louis. Knows that Louis is it, he’s fucking it.

“I love you so much Louis, and I really want us to get better.” Louis nods at Harry’s comment and smiles even more.

“I love you so much too Haz and I promise that I’m going to work on myself so I can be a bett-”

“That’s just it Louis…we need to do this together, work on ourselves together, get better together. No more miscommunication and yelling and leaving and then fucking when we're angry and we can’t stand to be around each other.” Once again Harry’s begging Louis and he’s finally listening to his pleads.

“I know I know, no more doing things alone.” Louis takes Harry’s hand from across the small dining room table and squeezes them and Harry’s never seen Louis so vulnerable. Never seen Louis with his heart on his sleeves baring it to the world. Louis has somewhat alway been guarded when it came to expressing his feelings to others and now here he is powerless in front of him. He really wants to cry out of sadness and joy but he doesn’t.

“What do you think we should do then Louis?” Harry asks, because as much as he wishes he knew where to go from here he has no fucking clue and he just really wishes they don’t go back to the way they were before. He’s too scared and too tired to go back to before.

“I would say we go to a counselor but we're broke,” he says that part with a little laugh, “so I guess we just talk to each other about how we feel and shit, try and get everything out instead of bottling it and and exploding on each other for no reason three days later.”

Harry nods, “So let’s just talk.” Harry finally let’s go of his fears and lost dreams and tells Louis how he really feels, how tired he is all the time, and how he misses them when they were a happy couple just moving in. Misses laughing with him and the warm butterfly feelings he’d get whenever he was around Louis. Really misses the way they made love and had fun with only ten pounds in his pocket. Harry knows that they can’t really do anything about their living situation and how much money they have for food but he promises Louis he’ll work harder.

Louis tells him how scared he is of losing everything, tells him that he’s mostly afraid of losing him. How angry he is at himself for the way their living and the days where they couldn’t eat because there was no more money. And the long winter months when they put on bundles and bundles of clothes just to stay warm. Says that he promises he’ll never let him starve again and Harry tries to tell Louis that it isn’t all about him, that Louis's gotta keep himself happy and fed too. Louis only nods and Harry just sighs and continues to listen, because Harry knows there’s no way of conceiving Louis right now.

When they’ve finished it’s midnight and they end up working together to clean up the mess and move the table back to the kitchen, working in unison to get things done. They don’t have sex like Harry expected they would, but they lay down and talk and laugh until Harry’s in tears because Louis always knows how to make him laugh and feel special. And when it’s quiet he doesn’t feel cold and uncomfortable, he feels warm and content laying in Louis's arms. He pauses before hesitantly saying, “Sometimes I think that if I pushed hard enough they would’ve stayed…” Harry doesn’t see Louis nod be he knows he did. “I’m glad I met you Louis, because the drifter life was never for me ya know? I never got tense or agitated staying in one place growing up. When mum would asks us if we were ready to leave I always said no, ‘cause I never got that feeling like they do.”

“M’glad you never got that feeling H.” Louis murmurs playing with his hair.

“I always thought about how glad I am that we like, never became drifters. Glad that I never convinced you that we should live on the open road and be really broke for the rest of our lives.” Harry draws shapes of Louis's chest. “I was so devastated when I saw that other family there Louis—god I was such a fucking idiot because I knew that I should have called but I thought they were finally happy, thought they had finally found a place in the world that could handle them. A place that they could leave and come back to and be happy. I should have known how wrong I was.” Louis makes a sound of disagreement.

“S’not true love you're not an idiot for thinking that they would stay for you, that they would be somewhat normal for you. They don’t deserve you H—fuck I still can’t believe that they just left a fucking note like you weren’t important enough to stay for.” Harry smiles as Louis rants and raves about his family and how dysfunctional they are when he realizes that he’s glad that they weren’t normal. But he does wish that his mum never got that itch to move around, never got that itch to leave them with strangers she just met a day ago for a week because the next town over was calling her name and she had to go check it out.

“‘M just glad I got you.” They fall asleep together in each other's arms. It’s nice.

 

—

 

During the summer time Harry realizes how much they’ve grown and change in just a few short months. They don’t get into fights anymore and if they do have an argument it never ends in silence, slam doors, and crying. Harry knows they still have more work to do but they are making progress and he thinks that’s enough.

The biggest thing that’s happen to them is that Louis's got a job promotion which means more money and now they are moving flats in a two days. Harry remembers when Louis came home on the first day of summer and told him they were moving, remembers how ecstatic he was to finally give Harry a place he felt at home with. Harry of course told him that Louis was his home and that he’d follow him until the end of his days. Louis just hugged him and shook his head a smile so bright and warm it made Harry shudder just looking at him.

Right now he is packing things into boxes while Louis talks on the phone with the landlord, papers in hands as he argues with the man over something, and Harry decided he would just let Louis handle it. He’s wrapping plates and cups and utensils, working quickly to make sure moving goes smoothly. They are allowed to start moving in tomorrow but they both have to work and it’s just easier to do it on the same day together. “Louis when we move in Friday can we spend the night?” He looks over and smiles at Louis who's just got done talking on the phone.

“Uh…” he starts putting papers in bags, “If we get our mattress over there then yeah, sure love.” Harry turns his attention back to packing things and soon he’s got the whole kitchen done. The only thing left is the food in the fridge and some boxes of macaroni that he’s planning on making for dinner tonight and tomorrow. Harry grabs some bags and heads over to the bedroom and starts throwing clothes inside of them, the only thing not going in is their work clothes and some sweats for when they move in. Louis comes in after a little while and starts helping him, the only thing in the bedroom is the bed and a dresser that came with the apartment that they can’t take with them.

“We’ve made good progress babe.” Harry throws a full bag of clothes near the door and goes to grab another one. “We have everything packed, we just got to pack everything into the car which’ll take two trips. Then we can like do the mattress and then the other furniture and then were moved in!” Harry said ecstatic, so happy to begin a new chapter in their lives, during this one so far in the ground that neither of them acknowledge that it’s even there.

Louis laughs and kisses him nice and slowly for a little bit before pulling away, “I’m so happy you’re happy H. So fucking delighted to be getting you out of this shit hole and into a place you can call and make into a real fuckin’ home.” Harry just nods and smiles picking up the last of the clothes and throwing it into a bad and tying it off, clothes all packed and ready to go.

“Louis…” he pauses, “you know it’s just not for me it’s for both of us to make it into a home.”

Louis sighs, “I know babe I just really want to get on with our lives and finally be happy and safe s’all.”

Harry nods for the thousandth time whispering, “I know Louis, me too.” They go back into the living room and plop down on the couch, turning on the tv and putting on HGTV envying all the couples buying their big dream homes. After a while they start to get hungry and Harry quickly makes them macaroni and chicken served on paper plates they’ve just purchased a few hours ago. They quietly eat on the couch laughing and giggling at each other and soon take a shower together which ended up with Harry on his knees sucking Louis off and Louis returning the favor. Afterwards they retire to bed they fall asleep to the sounds of each other's own breathing, lulling them into nice pleasant dreams.

The next day is uneventful as they work long shifts and retire home more tired than ever, falling asleep as soon as they hit the bed. Louis gives this months rent to the landlord and know they have to be out by next monday at the latest. Louis tells him it took everything in him not to curse the guy out but he held his tongue and just came home straight after.

On Friday they pack everything they can into their small beat up car and head over to the new flat, Harry walks around and takes a feel for the space and it’s a little more bigger than their old flat but it’s also much more brighter and newer and Louis even made sure that there’s exposed brick on one of the walls in the living room. Harry squeals, “We’re going to make it look so beautiful and homey when he have some more money to decorate.”

“No need to worry about money love, I’ll work something ou-”

Harry cuts Louis off with a shake of his head, “I don’t want us to be indebted to another person Louis. We’ll decorate when we have to money, until then…I was thinking about buying some cheap frames and putting them around the house with our pictures in them. So it looks homey.”

“We won’t be indebted Harry it’ll just be a couple of payments-”

“That by the second payment we won’t be able to pay!” Harry yells because Louis's not understanding that for the majority of living together they’ve been indebted to something or someone and Harry doesn’t want to pile more on. “I don’t want to argue Lou-”

Louis huffs, “I don’t either.”

Harry walks over to him and takes his hands, “Then listen to me when I say that we’ll make this feel like home without having to own someone for a bloody stupid dresser. Okay?”

Louis nods and kisses him, “Let’s go get the rest of our shit and bring our mattress over.” Harry hums in agreement and they go back to the old flat, load up the car, and strap the plastic wrapped mattress on top. It’s hotter than usual outside so they sweat their little asses off, beads of sweat forming around Harry’s nose and on his temple. He wipes it away with the back of his hand and helps Louis finishing tying the queen sized mattress to the top of the car. And when it’s done, they feel accomplished and retire for the day leaving behind the rest of the furniture for tomorrow's trip.

When they arrive at the new flat after taking everything in the house they collapsed on the already made mattress in the middle of the first bedroom, bellies full of coffee and pastries from Starbucks. Plastic wrapping from the mattress in the corner of the room. Harry strips out of his dirty sweats and is left in the nude not caring on taking a shower at the moment and covers up. He listens as Louis takes a long shower smiling when he hears him hum to himself. Louis soon emerges, water dripping down his nice tanned body towel wrapped loosely around his waist. Harry stares at him which earns him a look. “Like what you see?” Louis towels himself off know standing stark naked in front of the bed.

Harry blushes and turns away muttering, “Of course I like what I see, look at you.”

“Awe babe you’re making me blush.” Harry rolls his eyes and turns away from Louis when he get’s on the bed. “Wanna…have sex?”

Harry looks at him and giggles, “We don’t have lub-” Before Harry finishes that thought Louis reaches over and grabs one of the clothes bag pulling out some lube, and a condom.

“I actually hate you.” Louis laughs but soon looks at Harry with lust in his eyes, and a smirk on his face.

Louis's now got his hands on Harry, flipping him on his back, and shuffling to get in between his legs, rubbing up and down his milky thighs as he leans down and kisses him. Harry get’s light headed just from kissing Louis, getting drunk off the taste of his tongue groaning when Louis moves his hips making their cocks rub up against each others. And god, Harry wants it so bad. So fucking bad and hard and slow so he wraps his legs around Louis's waist bucking his hips up to gain some sort friction.

Louis starts moaning and groaning, moving his hips as well, grabbing onto Harry’s plush hips and keeping them steady just for a second. Now they're humping moaning messes with swollen puffy lips and ruby red stained cheeks searching for a sweet release. Louis pulls away and unwraps Harry’s legs.

“Wanna…wanna prep you first babe, gotta…gotta prep you H.”

Louis squirts some lube on Harry’s hole and he shudders from how cold it is. It’s cherried flavor because Harry though he was a clever little shit when he bought it and because it smelled good but know the smell is overwhelming and Harry just really wants to come. His cock leaking precome on his stomach.

Louis enters one finger at first and it only takes a few minutes before Harry unclenches and fully let’s Louis take control, moaning loudly when Louis’s got three fingers in, from the pain and pleasure of it all.

“L-Louis fuck I-I need you baby please.” He begs and pleads but Louis doesn’t listen, starts going slower while scissoring Harry open pumping him full with three fingers.

Louis swats his hand away when he tries to touch his red leaking cock. He makes sure Harry is fully prepped and ready for they begin.

“Gonna come from my cock only yeah?” Louis teases reaching up and twisting one of Harry’s pretty pink nipples. Harry buck his hips up once more and trembles. “Yeah?”

“ _Yesyesyesyes_ , Louis please…” Harry squirms trying to fuck himself on Louis's fingers but the older man immediately pulls them out slowly. Harry watches as Louis fumbles around, trying to open the condom packed. They share a look and start laughing.

"Stop laughing! I can't concentrate, and I'm suppose to be sexy." Harry laughs again him, and Louis pouts before tearing the packet open. "Fucking finally," Louis rolls it on and pumps his cock a few times before squirting lube on Harry's hole, and his cock. Harry can feel it line up at his pink hole.

"'M so ready Lou," his words are slurred and his face is in a permanent grin.

“You okay Harry?” He looks up at Louis with tears in his eyes, mouth wide open breathing heavily.

It takes Harry a few seconds to answer, “Yeah I just…n-need you Lou.” He nods and starts pumping his cock before entering the younger boy, stopping until Harry relaxes a few times, and when he’s all the way in he waits for Harry to tell him to continue. Harry’s fist clenching the bedsheets beside him eyes closed shut and mouth hanging open in an ‘o’ shape.

He’s in pure bliss right now and can only let out a quiet _‘move’_. Louis starts off agonally slow sucking the moans right from his mouth as he sloppily makes out with him, hips moving in a nice and slow but also hard rhythm knocking each breath he takes right out of him. His toes curl up and he lets out a string of, “ _LouisLouisLouisLouis_.”

“Fuck Harry I—you’re so fucking tight.” Louis starts going faster and Harry’s moans get louder and the bed’s making noise below him and it’s so fucking hot.

Harry wraps his legs tighter around Louis's waisted bringing him closer making his thrust short and hard. He drops his head back, mouth still wide open but there is no sound coming out.

Everything feels like it’s slowed down, and when he comes, it feels like the world has stopped and he’s the only one still there, breathing and feeling. He thinks it’s because Louis's still going, thrusts becoming erratic as he comes too, so deep inside him and he quivers from the feeling. Louis laps at his skin like he’s high off Harry’s body, like he’s a drug addict that can’t get their fix. He licks insides Harry’s mouth murmuring things Harry can’t understand.

Louis rolls off of Harry and pulls his back to his chest cuddling him. “Want to go another round but I eat you out instead of you taking my fingers.”

“‘M too tired Lou,” Harry’s words slur like a drunkard and he falls asleep with Louis's heart beating on his bareback.

  
And few weeks later when they are all settled in and everythings where it’s suppose to be they fall into a nice routine. Harry gets off work at his first job in the afternoons on Mondays, Thursdays, and Sundays. On those same days Louis get’s off at seven o’clock, so Harry cooks them nice meals on and they sit around and watch tv just relaxing enjoying each others company. Tuesdays and Saturdays Harry works the evening shift at his second job as a waiter for a high scale restaurant with too many employees. He get’s off two hours after Louis and if he’s too tired to cook he brings home some takeaway.

The routine is nice and simple and he’s just glad they actually get to spend time together. Even when Louis comes home late and is too tired to do anything, they just eat and watch tv until they get too tired to keep their eyes open.

The call comes when he’s at home watching old South Park episodes.

And at first he doesn’t answer the phone because he's never answered an unknown number before, get’s too paranoid for no reason when going to answer and just lets it ring. But on the third call from the same number he answers and doesn’t expect to hear his mum’s voice filter through the speaker. “Hi Harry.” It sounds like she’s out of breath and Harry immediately sits up worried. “Where are you Harry? Me and Gem went to your flat and you weren’t there.” She sounds hurt and it makes Harry want to throw up.

He stays silent for awhile listening to her heavy breathing, “I- we’ve moved flats. A-are you and Gemma okay a-are hurt?”

She laughs her watery laugh, “No, no you just gave us a fright is all.” He doesn’t know what to say to her. They haven’t talked since he begged her to go to Louis's graduation and she told him she had better things to do. He yelled at her then, telling her how self-centered she was and how she was dead to him before hanging up. “Are you still there Harry?” She asks.

He sighs, “Yeah I am mum, yeah I am.” Harry puts his head in his hand, rubbing his face. His throat feels closed off by a big lump and he just feels like crying.

“Why did you and Louis move without telling us.”

When he hears her say those words he nearly almost drops his phone. “A-are you fucking kidding _me_?” His face heats up with anger, “You left _me_ without telling me and know you’ve got the fucking balls to get mad at me for not telling you where I was going? How the fuck was I going to reach you anywa-”

She cuts him off, “Don’t you dare speak to me that way! I am your moth-”

He’s up know pacing and running a hand through his hair tugging harshly breathing unsteady, “You aren’t anything to me!” He doesn’t mean it, knows that no matter how much she’d hurt him that he would still love her. He thinks that’s what makes him weak and vulnerable, loving someone who won’t even give him the time of day unless it benefits her. And she’s alway been self-absorbed, always hurt him even if it was intentional or not. “You left me a fucking note and you couldn’t even bring yourself to say I love you once! Not once in my life have you told me or Gemma that you loved us! You take and take and take until there isn’t shit to take anymore! You fucking—fucking left us when you couldn’t even take responsibility for your own children. Left us with strangers! Left us with grandma because you got fucking restless. Were screwed up because of you, and the sad thing is is that I crave your love and acceptance like a stupid fucking dumbass.” His voice cracks at the end and he’s crying, full on sobbing but he doesn’t care anymore, doesn’t care that Louis's just walked through the door, staring at him like a madman. Doesn't care that his mum is silent on the other end crying as well, doesn’t care that he’s just poured his heart out to his mother and she probably won’t care.

She’s silent for a while, “I-I’ve gotta go i’ll call you later. I lo-” he hangs up on her mid sentence and throws his phone on the couch.

He looks up at Louis tired and dejected with tears running down his face lump in his throat. With a hoarse voice he says, “She didn’t even fucking care.”

Louis quickly wraps his arms around him pulling him into a tight hug, whispering small ‘shhs’ in his ear. He cries on Louis's shoulder, sobs racking his body and he’s just so fucking exhausted. Harry tries to pull away but Louis won’t let him, he leads them to the bedroom and makes him lay down on the bed. He takes off his clothes and get’s under the blankets. He knows he looks terrible with tear stain cheeks, messy hair, and glassy eyes. He doesn’t move when Louis lays beside him pulling him into his arms again, bed frame creaking under the weight. He kisses the top of his head while Harry closes his eyes again and starts crying. “Why am I such an idiot Louis?”

“You are not an idiot Harry,” Louis kisses his shoulder and all he can muster to do is let out long breaths in between cries, snot running his mouth, and eyes hurting from crying so much. They don’t talk for the rest of the time that they are awake and when does Harry falls asleep with tears in his eyes, all his mind can focus on is his mum and her never ending selfish ways.

 

—

 

Louis makes sure he forgets about his conversation with his mother with distractions to make sure he isn’t idle for too long, even brings over a friend from work named Niall to keep him company on days he’s working late. It’s nice but it’s also irritating but Harry keeps it to himself and let’s Louis distract him, and after a while Louis lets up and leaves Harry be. “I just didn’t want you to be consumed by your thoughts is all.” Harry rolls his eyes at Louis's words but still nods anyway frown adorning his face. He’s still mad and hurt about the whole situation and he still wants to call her up and scream and cry and demand answers but he doesn’t. He won’t give her the satisfaction.

“I’m not gonna get consumed by my thoughts, and fyi there’s nothing wrong with thinking and exploring thoughts in my head.” Harry pulls his knees into his chest and pulls his beanie down before it can slip off his head. He watches Louis type things into their shared laptop for a while, watches him when he starts huffing and puffing spamming the backspace.

Louis starts writing things down on a notebook next to him, the glasses that are perched on the bride of his nose sliding off slightly “I know that when you're not talking your thinking,” he looks up at him, “why won’t you just talk to me and let me know how your feeling and what’s going on?”

Harry groans and hugs his knees tighter to his chest, “Because, it’s not that easy to tell you about how angry I fucking am that she called and got mad at me for not trying to find her and tell her we’ve moved. It’s not easy for me to tell you that I tried to call her six times and she keeps denying my calls making me even more depressed, not easy for me to tell you that I still love her with my whole being even when I’m angry and sad because of the things she did and said.” And Harry doesn’t cry like he knows Louis expects him too, like he expects himself too, because he’s done crying, now he’s just annoyed and irritated by everything.

“I know that no matter what you’ll always love her Harry, I just don’t want you to tear yourself apart trying to please someone who will never be happy with your sacrifices.” Louis continues to work as he talks to Harry.

“I don’t want to tear myself apart Lou I just want answers, and all she did was say she had to go. She tried to say she loved me after I mentioned how she never did for my twenty-two years of living here on this fucking earth. Can you believe that, a mother never saying she loves her own children?”

“It makes me sick that you went through that growing up Haz, but you have to let it go.” Louis starts typing again which is starting to give Harry a headache.

“S’not that easy Lou,” he murmurs into his knees, barely audible.

Louis nods, ”I know that but you can’t let what happen to you growing up define who you are today, yes the past shaped you into what you are today but it doesn't have to define you. You don't have uh…beat yourself down and change who you are to impress someone who just doesn’t care, and I won’t let you do that to yourself. I just want you to be happy.”

“I just don’t understand why she could never love me.” He doesn’t pay attention or listen to what Louis says and just stares off into space. He wants to be happy so fucking bad and just leave his mum and Gemma in the past but he doesn’t know if he can forget about them and move on. Doesn’t know if he wants to move on from them but he’s going to try. Knows that for him and Louis to prosper and be in a happy relationship he has to stop giving them chances to hurt him all over again.

Harry looks over at Louis for a moment smiling and then takes a moment to look around at his surroundings. He’s sitting on a couch in his bright new flat next to the man he loves. Even though he’s working two job and Louis's stressing out over his new position at his place of work Harry thinks it’s worth it. Worth coming home smelling like grease and fried fish all the time, worth the worry lines that adorn Louis's face when comes home frustrated from a long stressful day.

He knows that they aren’t perfect, and that they still have a lot to work out before they can truly be happy together. Knows that he needs to find some type of closure with his estranged family before he can move on from them. And he knows that Louis and him need to talk more and stop bottling things up. But they aren’t drowing anymore. The square boxes cracks are now all patched up, the weeds have been pulled and in their place are beauty Daffodil that symbolize rebirth, but the big gaping holes are still there crumbling waiting to be fixed. And they are trying and it is hard some days when they won’t talk to each other and the silence is too overwhelming. When Louis's frustrated and Harry’s just tired and they can’t muster the words to talk to each other. To open up and express what’ wrong and how the other can help to alleviate the pain

The water may be cold but they aren’t beneath the surface trying to claw their way out. They are floating with their heads above water right next to each other holding the other's hand tightly so they don’t float away, so they don’t dip beneath the surface again. And they aren’t holding each other down anymore like lifejackets filled with sand, they are in this together for the long run.

Harry puts his feet down on the ground, lays his head on Louis's shoulder and sighs for what feels like the millionth time. They can do this he thinks.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Please comment and give kudos! I will be working on a proper drifter au soon so be on the lookout for that. Tumblr: aiienscum
> 
> Thank you for reading xx


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